Getting Married? How to deal your parents

Some time back, Anjali (name changed) told me about her marriage proposal with a high rank govt. officer. The dowry demanded was about 12-15 lakhs. Anjali, a modern Indian girl was against this but her parents were in favor of dowry. The issue was not limited just to dowry but had gone beyond to the communication gap between Anjali and her parents. Anjali is very clear that she does not want to be a commodity object and was in no mode to listen to her parents. Her parents, who have seen many more rainy seasons than Anjali were not able to absorb this sudden shock and refused to re-think about the dowry issue. This lead to a situation where no one wants to listen to the other person and every one thinks and he/she is correct and what the other person is thinking is a real bullshit.

Some of the points I made during the discussion are noted here.

Anjali needs to understand few things
  • Parents have always been in their social shell. They have lived always in an environment where dowry is accepted. So, no dowry is something which they can't imagine. They have a very high peer pressure also. So, give them some time to come out of it.
  • Her parents are still working on 1970's technology in 2008. So, its difficult to adjust to new thoughts.
  • After all they are your parents. Their objective is to see you happy. You also wan to be happy. So the destination is the same only only the paths are different. If you understand this, lot of issues/communication gap etc can be solved. The objective then becomes to convenience the parents to choose the path that you want. Most of the cases, it is thought that the destinations are different.
Although I talked about dowry here, the points raised are the same when ever it comes to arranged marriage of a girl. Especially when the girl is well learned, have her own opinions, wants to build her career, and demands equality. I have seen many such cases and I know its very difficult situation to be in, either as a child or as parents. There is a major communication failure that leads to one party finally giving up (and most of the times, the girl), and getting married to a person who she thinks is not at all a good match for her.

DOs and DON'T
  • Be polite when ever you are talking with your parents on any issue. This is where many people go wrong. At the same time be clear and confident in what ever you say.
  • Don't force your parents to accept your views. Put your views for their review. Ask them to think over it for some time and let you know. This may not get you any where but at least they will be of the opinion that you are respecting them.
  • Make them feel that you are listening to their views also. Get some time to think and negate their views.
  • Most of the time these conversation are done on phone. Avoid that. If possible, talk one to one. This is where your character will be tested. Go ahead, and take the challenge.
  • After all this, you most probably will have to take a hard stand. Be skillful. Make them aware that they are still working on 1970's technology.
  • Catch your close relatives who might be of your opinion and can tell this to your parents. Again don't say bad about your parents to them. Be sure, they are close to your parents than you. So they won't like you making any such comments. Just make them aware of the issue and request them to have a chat with your parents, preferably in your presence.
  • If nothing works out, have the guts to take your independent decision, against your parents. For this, you will need to take control of your life and will have to be responsible for what ever happens in your life. If you are self reliable, doing this should not be a big problem. By this I mean, search your own partner and get happily married to him :)
Finally, I wish all the best to all the Anjalis who are going through similar cases. Be brave!

13 comments:

  1. Welcome to blogger, Pitamah :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. deshmukh...;)
    nice one on nice issue... tumko isi topic pe likhne ki idea kyun aaya yaar?
    but u explained how to deal wid parents n art of listening.. :)
    greatt..!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. real gud one....

    Yeshi

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good start!

    Why did not you the last thing?
    "sab kuch unke (read pitamah) upor chhod do"

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Really nice. I'll apply this.

    Shabari

    ReplyDelete
  6. it is true that u have very patientlly described the ways a girl can explore.. in that i'd a cent... why not the girl talks to the boy as an early option(somehow, but u know its not difficult as she is well educated n in todays world, communication is as easy as riding a cycle). why not she asks the "tobegroom" to interfare, use the ways wht she has/been trying wid her parants! and if at least the boy is convinced, it make sense for girl to carry on wid wht u suggested.. else if the boy himself is "greedy", she must dumt him ther in the dustbag!! does it make some sense?

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  7. I totally agree and completely believe with only one thing "take control of your life and will have to be responsible for what ever happens in your life. If you are self reliable, doing this should not be a big problem."

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  8. well written, may girls including went through the same excercise before getting married. anyways life is to be lived in self reliability, you cant depend on any one be it arranged or love marraige. they are just labels given to a marriage

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  9. Yes well explained, I agree parents do need very tactful handling. but I also feel very sad that any girl's life and related decision should be totally out of her own control.

    So I also say, work hard be independent and if required be prepared to take a polite but firm stand. May be refuse to marry anyone at all until they see your point of view...

    Girls will need to be independent for this. Infact boys also.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nice post Sandeep. Came to know many new things.

    ReplyDelete
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